A journal note dedicated to my dear Charlie
Please be advised this is a very personal and emotional post. It was written only a month after losing my dear son Charlie.
I have been seeing a therapist and he advised me to write a journal entry about what happened, that it will help express some things that are just too hard to talk about sometimes. I am going to try to do this now and share it with you girls, because I know that it aches but at the same time feels good to know you are not alone. You are not the only women who has gone through such a traumatic experience. So here is my journal dedicated to my baby angel Charlie.
August 20th - I had just waken up in a beautiful hotel suite with my three very best friends. It was my wedding day that day. After 5 amazing years with my sweetie I was finally going to say I do! I was finally going to marry Logan (My DS’s daddy) it was one of the puzzle pieces left before having Charlie to complete our family. I was so excited. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t felt Charlie move or squirm around too much lately but I figured it was normal. I was only at 26 weeks in my pregnancy and he could still be a little quiet at this term, or hitting his growth spurt into the third trimester. I let it go. I enjoyed what happened to be the most beautiful day for my wedding as I had hoped and dreamed of. I worked so hard this passed year. I dedicated my year to my DS a very busy toddler, this wedding and getting pregnant with Charlie. What a beautiful day. I was married.
August 21th - I woke up at the hotel suite with my husband and came home to put on a Brunch/Gift Opening. I had my friends and family there and I had a really nice morning even though I was exhausted. I got some really beautiful gifts to add to the house and a really nice amount of money. The money was to go to the basement reno, aka huge play room for my two boys. I was so excited. I finally married my best friend, I had the sweetest little boy and he was going to get the sweetest brother, Charlie in only a couple more months. I finally expressed to Chad my husband that I hadn’t been feeling much movement from Charlie lately and I was worried. He told me not to think negative and to stop reading stuff online. Be positive and you get positive. We would be going to the MW clinic that Tuesday and she will have the answers we need.
August 23rd - It was MW appointment day. I woke up, had a nice breakfast with my family and got us ready to head out. I wanted to run a couple grocery errands before heading there as I knew Logan would be tired and cranky after being at a doctors office. What I didn’t know was I wasn’t going to have much time at home that night…..barely anytime and Logan never came home that night either. We got in to meet my MW. She was doing the appointments at the Clinic while my other MW was on duty at the hospital. I talked about how amazing the wedding was, then onto how I havent been feeling Charlie. At first she seemed like that was ok. It was ok until she layed me down and checked for the heart beat. None, only mine that was racing. I was shaking and crying and she told me it was going to be ok. She was going to rush me for an ultrasound immediately. Good thing I had friends that were just down the street that were able to take Logan for me, I really needed my husband at this point. I knew it was bad, it was all going down from here. I got to the hospital and I went directly into the ultrasound room while my husband waited outside for me. The technician looked worried and tried so hard to keep her emotions together. She told me she needed to page my MW and she would be right back. As she left I looked at the screen, no heart rate. I thought to myself, I just lost my child. I see people on the news who lost a child, I don’t lose a child, but I did. I lost my child that minute that I never got to hold, love, play and teach. I lost my Charlie. I was told to meet with my MW on the labour floor where she rushed me to a private room, I looked at her and I said I knew, I bawled and bawled and bawled in her arms. I was in complete shock that ached much worse then any pain I ever thought I knew. She held my hand and told me that I had to have the OB on call consult with me the further plans. He wanted me to go from the state I was in right into the labour and delivery room and induce. I said no. I said I needed to go and make further arrangements for my son and I needed it to sink in. 6pm that night, I came back. I have never held my husbands hand so hard. By 6:30 the OB had started the induction with 2 little pills that he inserted in me. By 7pm I had some pretty bad chills. I felt sick. It only lasted about an hour and then I got some sleep. My husband sat right beside me and watched a movie. At around 10pm he asked me if I was comfortable enough for him to go get a little bit of sleep in the truck, he was exhausted. I said of course, I was just sleeping. By 1130 contractions were full force, I called him and he ran right up. I got my two MW’s in the room who were both amazing for staying with me the entire time. I was in pain really bad pain. Luckily by 12:05 I delivered Charlie. I didn’t see him, I didn’t hold him, I let him go. I really did not want a face to miss for the rest of my life, I had enough hurt as it was. They got me to rest until 3am and then they allowed us to go home.
Healing - Healing physically was the easiest part. I only had rough bleeding for a week. I never tore or anything. Just a little sore and needed a lot of rest so I didn’t get an infection inside as I was more prone to one having a still born. Healing emotionally and mentally……just there. It is Sept 25 2011 and I still hurt. I see a therapist now and that helps a lot. I read a lot of peoples stories and experiences and that helps too. I don’t know when the pain will go away or if I’ll ever feel ready again to try again. I’m scared and I’m sad. I pray one day I feel better again and until then I rely on my husband, my family and my very supportive group of friends.